Protecting Your Family Matters Newsletter: Spring 2024

Matrimonial & Family Law April 2024

The Counseling Stigma. Breaking Away and Rising Above.

Change is not only part of our life’s journey; it is the journey. Relationships, the experience of going through a divorce, and certainly our existence post-divorce are no exceptions. Even if the divorce was our choice, it can be and often is a daunting experience. That is putting it mildly. Professional therapy and counseling are options available to help us cope with hard times and emotions—a way to understand our world and ourselves better. Nevertheless, there are historical perceptions and myths that persist even to this day concerning visiting a therapist or even seeking counsel, and cultural habits can die hard.

When meeting and discussing divorce with my clients, I regularly suggest seeking counseling. Such treatment should not be disparaged. Beyond speaking to a lawyer during this process, one should have a therapist to talk with throughout the divorce. To not talk about our emotions, however negative or even harmful, is completely counterintuitive to the purpose of moving on and forward in life. Before, during, or after a divorce, professional counseling is helpful. If we cannot move forward, we will be forever haunted by our own emotions. But if we can rise above the emotional pain, we can also rise above any cultural stigma standing in our way.

The Old School

Our perceptions and values are inherited from those that have come before us. The “old school” thinking can be prevalent in modern times, however old its ways may be. The very stigma against or discouragement of professional counseling has its origins in times past when reputation and perception were everything. The misconception surrounding counseling is that by seeking therapy, there is something wrong with a person. As if you have a mental illness or cannot solve your own problems. Or a failure in some way. While it is perfectly acceptable to visit a doctor to treat a broken bone, a chiropractor to examine a bad back, or a dentist to address a toothache, not so with counseling. This perception, however dubious, is that of failure. Yet old school is “old” for a reason.

Our health and well-being are more important than perceptions or our reputations. If we intend to spend our days worrying about what other people think and trying to please everyone else’s emotions or societal needs, we will most certainly find ourselves very disappointed in that endeavor. Wanted or not, divorce is the failure of a marriage. We must remember that failure is a part of life and often the only way we learn how to move forward. What the old school may not realize is that times change, even if we do not want them to.

Perspective of Judgment

The fear of judgment is always present in our own perceptions, sometimes preventing us from seeking therapy. However, if one waits too long in the divorce process to pursue professional counseling when it is needed, the delay can have negative ramifications for oneself, and also our loved ones, friends, and co-workers. Denial can also lead to even more problems with potential new relationships following divorce. This folly is not worth experiencing in the name of perception or pride.

Another perception individuals may worry about when beginning therapy is the length of treatment: will it go on forever? One can never say exactly how long counseling may take, but it will not be an overnight process. One may also be concerned about or even fearful of what can be learned about oneself during the counseling process. These feelings are natural, though seeking to live a better and fulfilling life requires the courage to want to move on and rise above such concerns.

The Benefits of Rising Above

Former husbands and former wives alike are expected to take care of their own well-being and the well-being of their families. Counseling is available to address all kinds of personal situations, including child custody. There are therapists available who specializes in custody-related issues. Counseling can be for people of all ages in any circumstance involving divorce, including children. Mental health and well-being are, at all times, the end goal. If counseling is what is needed, especially when going through a divorce, there should be no reason to avoid help, and also checking in with a therapist when needed moving forward.

The benefits of therapy far outweigh any perceived or historically rooted doubts we may have that speak the contrary. Seeking help can bring about better self-confidence, work morale, relationship confidence, and overall self-assurance in life. If the divorce experience is or was rough, you are hardly alone. Therapy can provide us with a better shot at a new relationship in life, or at the very least, living anew. The counseling stigma is only that: a stigma. We no longer live as the walking wounded and can become a better and more enlightened person for the experience of it.

Attorney Spotlight: Philadelphia – Mary T. Vidas

This edition of Attorney Spotlight highlights one of my revered Philadelphia colleagues in Blank Rome’s Matrimonial & Family Law group—Mary T. Vidas.

A graduate of Georgetown University and the Temple University Beasley School of Law, Mary has been practicing law for 40 years and is a preeminent member of our firm’s Matrimonial & Family Law practice group. Mary began her career at Blank Rome as a Litigation Law Clerk working in matrimonial as well as asbestos litigation and personal injury law. After a time of splitting her work across these different practices, Mary eventually transitioned completely to matrimonial and family law, having taken to it well, and has enjoyed working with her clients throughout her storied career as a lawyer. During her career, Mary has served inter alia, as Chair of the American Bar Association’s Section of Family Law as well as presently serving as Chair of the ABA Family Law Section’s Strategic Planning Committee. She is currently the Family Law Section Delegate to the ABA House of Delegates. She has also been a frequent lecturer for the Pennsylvania Bar Institute, the Academy of Matrimonial Law, the Family Law Section of the American Bar Association, and the Pennsylvania Institute of CPAs. Mary has also worked with the Philadelphia Bar Association’s Judicial Commission leading investigations into judicial candidates and was recently honored as the Bar Association’s “Bar Star” for her work in this regard. Mary truly is a "Bar Star."

Mary’s personality takes well to matrimonial law as she is a good listener who is always eager and willing to help others. Often at difficult times in their lives, clients will come to Mary experiencing a vast array of emotions, and she has seen and heard enough stories and backgrounds to know how to handle any situation. Always working with a level heart and mind, Mary’s mantra is, “tell clients what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.” Mary believes this manner of guidance is essential to leading any client to a positive outcome and help them be more able to move on with their lives.

If any client is distraught and going through emotional pain, Mary encourages the process of seeing a therapist and getting the proper help that is needed. A good lawyer must be an exceptional advocate when representing their clients, and must not be a cheerleader for emotional feelings or inclinations of being on the warpath. Nevertheless, a good lawyer must also understand the emotional journey a client may be going through, and be willing to take the initiative to suggest proper guidance and help.

A lawyer exists to provide guidance, and encouraging a client to visit a therapist can oftentimes be the best suggestion to provide under the circumstances. Talking about one’s feelings with a professional is a far better path to recovery than not speaking of them at all, or allowing one’s negative feelings to get the better of them. There is no question that therapy should be a welcome option should anyone be in need of it.

Outside of her practice of law, Mary enjoys reading, traveling, and being a devout Philadelphia sports fan. She avidly enjoys watching her Philadelphia Eagles, Sixers, and Phillies. Mary will soon have the pleasure of traveling to London, England, to see the Phillies face the New York Mets in the 2024 MLB London Series this summer. Mary is and will always remain Philly proud.