The Silent Divorce. Understanding the Sounds Beneath the Quiet.
When we think about a marriage on the rocks, or one that is perhaps nearing its final moments, we often paint a picture of frequent, rancorous disagreements and yelling between the two parties involved. It is easy to assume that these are the sounds of a failing and soon-to-be-terminated union, but this is not always the case. Some—perhaps more than some—marriages do not end with a bang, but more of a muffled sob, or sometimes, silence. In some cases, there is no actual legal divorce.
This phenomenon is often referred to as silent divorce, where a relationship never actually comes to an end, yet silently, the couple drifts apart over time after the bonds they once shared have faded away. They hardly spend time together, even in shared living quarters, and essentially lead separate lives. While this arrangement can be regarded as sad, even unhealthy, there are reasons for such a “divorce” to exist.
Recognizing the silence.
There are many signs of a silent divorce, and there are many reasons. One or both parties may not want to split up their family structure, or they may fear the impact of an actual divorce on others. Some simply will not officially end their marriage for these reasons, but for many others as well. Perhaps they find themselves content, though not happy, in their relationship. Indeed, there could be financial or lifestyle reasons for not wanting to divorce officially, and instead, simply coexist within this silent realm that has been established.
The silent divorce does not occur suddenly, but over months or even years. There may be minor, unresolved disagreements, a lack of physical closeness, or an inability to communicate effectively. Still, all of these factors can lead to a new environment of isolation and detachment. Every marriage is its own issues, yet we can all recognize the signs of a silent divorce.
A significant sign is emotional indifference, when partners in a marriage resemble roommates rather than a married couple. They make it through daily life, yet the bonds, sincere conversations, and intimacy of the past are no longer there, perhaps never holding hands, or even sharing a goodnight kiss. In a silent divorce, couples tend to lead separate social lives; their weekends are spent apart from one another, with separate friends and activities to indulge away from their spouse. Any vitriol that exists is often apathy, not true conflict. There is usually little shouting or fighting, but more of a comprehensive level of detachment, and even the absence of the anger that is more typical in an actual divorce.
Can it be sustained?
This type of existence can be a heavy burden to carry. It requires a lot of acting the part, and even not thinking about or acting on your problems can require a significant amount of time and energy. For those who are not yet ready to give up on their marriage, recognizing the signs of a silent divorce can lead to a call for action. All the same, one or both parties may soldier on, finding the silent divorce more palatable than any other alternative.
None of us can truly judge what makes other people happy. There are certainly perils to silent divorce. Such an existence is difficult to sustain, can be toxic, and by no means a transparent way to live. A life of quiet desperation can itself become just too hopeless one day, and not every marriage can be salvaged. The risks will always be there. How does your partner feel about the situation? They may not feel precisely the same. As with all marriages, deciding to move forward (or even to remain stagnant) does not require agreement from both parties—one can file even if the other does not wish to.
One life to live.
If a person finds themselves going through a silent divorce, and wants to bring an end to it, the first step to finding a solution is often, if not always, the same—open communication. People make their own choices in life. Can such a marriage be salvaged? Is divorce even an option? What would prompt an end to the silence? While each situation is unique, we must remember that children (if the couple has them) can always be a factor, along with other related financial considerations that may have contributed to the silent divorce in the first place.
We get to decide what we wish to do with the rest of our lives, and we only have one to live. Fears are always present, unfounded or not. We can look at life like a house of cards, and any choice we make could make it all come tumbling down. But should that stop one from taking a risk? When it comes to choosing a marriage, there are often just two options. One is to do something affirmatively. The second is to affirmatively not do something.
When it comes to our relationships, it is not always about two people working together. One can still ultimately remain in a marriage even with little to no connection to one’s partner. Couples therapy may be an option, but again, only if both parties are willing. Life will play out based on our decisions. We must live with the consequences of the decisions we make, including those we share and those that remain private.
Attorney Spotlight: Dylan Mitchell - New York
This edition of Attorney Spotlight highlights one of our valued New York City colleagues in Blank Rome’s Matrimonial & Family Law group—Dylan Mitchell.
Dylan has been practicing law for nearly 30 years and is a valued member of our Matrimonial & Family Law team. He is a trained and efficient mediator and has helped parents and families resolve disputes without the need for continued litigation on many occasions. As a lawyer, Dylan has never had a desire to represent anyone other than a human being. A lawyer is a problem solver. Practicing family law provides Dylan with the opportunity to work with clients facing human issues. Many of his clients feel that they are experiencing the worst points in their lives when going through a divorce. Dylan is there to help clients solve problems and ultimately assist them in moving forward to better things. This experience can be rewarding for both the client and legal counsel.
Lawyers working in family law often walk a line between providing the necessary legal services and managing the ever-present emotions surrounding family matters. When it comes to family matters and high emotions, to pardon a pun, it is rather rare to be able to divorce these two factors. They are inextricably intertwined.
There are some instances where Dylan’s clients may see divorce as simply numbers on a page or a financial matter that needs to be resolved. Even in these rare instances, his client’s spouse may not see it the same way. Such conflicts are also part of the overall puzzle to be solved. A lawyer must listen, and a client needs to know that their legal counsel understands what they are going through. In these cases, Dylan, although not a licensed mental health professional, has a firm handle on the emotional issues that may arise in family law proceedings. It is about understanding the clients’ goals and achieving them. The focus in all matters must be on the future, not the past. Dylan knows how to guide his clients forward.
Outside of his work as a lawyer, Dylan enjoys traveling, having recently returned from his first visit to Iceland. He has also been playing the guitar since he was 12 years old and continues to enjoy playing and writing music to this day.
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