Relationship Expectations. Expect the Unexpected.
In any relationship, especially marriage, managing expectations is crucial for achieving and maintaining overall success with your partner. Expectations are dynamic and play a significant role in our lives, defining who we are and shaping our relationships. These expectations come in various forms and magnitudes, influencing how we interact with our partners.
That said, it is not too bold of a statement to say many marriages fail due to our experience with these expectations, and how we react when those expectations are not met is of no less significance. Indeed, it feels great when our expectations are met, and that feeling of being gratified and reciprocated in life is what we have been looking for all along. However, living life by measuring relationships by our own expectations can be harmful, and how we manage these feelings and expectations will often be the determining factor of success or failure.
The Pitfalls of “Should”
We frequently use the word “should” in our relationships: “It should have been this way,” “He should think this about me,” “She should appreciate this more,” and “Marriage should not be this difficult.” However, “should” does not always align with reality. Perhaps we can eliminate the “should” and focus on managing our expectations with our partners.
A wise aunt once told me that in relationships, we have an A list and a B list. The A list comprises non-negotiables, while the B list includes areas of compromise. The key is determining what belongs on each list. Compromise in any relationship requires two people, and prioritizing our expectations involves effective communication.
The Communication Key
If resentment and conflict exist within a relationship, we can ask what led to it. Often, the answer is a lack of communication. We do not have the ability to read another person’s mind, yet that would seem the only available option if there is little or no communication regarding our expectations. A lack of communication is a recipe for more resentment, pain, or anger buried behind the silence, and this negativity can and often will surface if we allow it to.
We could compare our lists together and identify the places that would need more communication and, if possible, negotiation. If the conflicts surround money or raising children (or both), there simply have to be grounds upon which partners can agree. Nevertheless, issues within relationships can come down to a reluctance to communicate with one’s partner.
Perhaps it is out of fear or the perception of weakness of some kind; there may be a number of reasons, including a person who has a history of speaking up, being shot down, challenged, or even disregarded. Perhaps one has grown up in an environment where speaking of one’s needs or expectations was just not expected of them. Nevertheless, all of our opinions have value. If a person does not speak up or may not do so based on the habit of “pushing it down,” the underlying issues will likely explode in some fashion. This ultimately is beneficial to no one.
The Challenges Take Work
Expectations exist, and we should not discourage that reality. Life is not about having no expectations at all. Nevertheless, even these days, plainly stated marriages, or any relationships, are challenging, and they require work to exist and enjoy longevity. Spending too much time arguing over what I often call “burnt toast” can be mixed in with unrealistic expectations and not so much about the “we” but the “me.” Someone will eventually burn the toast. It’s not the burnt toast that matters; the underlying issue(s) are important.
Both we and our partners are human beings. You must not only be unafraid to share and communicate what you both expect and hope for in a relationship, but we are also obligated to our partner and ourselves to do so. This is a way to manage and nurture the expectations to support mutual growth and overall happiness.
Attorney Spotlight: Jacqueline Combs - Los Angeles
For this edition of Attorney Spotlight, I am proud to feature one of my esteemed Los Angeles colleagues in Blank Rome’s Matrimonial & Family Law group: Jacqueline Combs. A graduate of the University of California, Los Angeles, and the Chapman University School of Law, Jackie has proven to be an indispensable member of our firm’s Matrimonial & Family Law practice group. Formerly an associate at the firm, Jackie was recently elevated to partner at Blank Rome. I am thrilled that she has achieved this very distinctive honor.
Having been practicing law for more than 12 years, Jackie began her legal career as a corporate counsel for private and publicly traded companies and worked with clients on high-stakes business and legal issues. Over time, she found she wanted more direct ways to help people through her practice, which led Jackie to pursue family law. Jackie has integrated her experience as corporate counsel into her family law practice. A successful lawyer must excel in negotiation, especially in family law cases. Jackie exemplifies this by consistently bringing her exceptional negotiation skills to every client and case she handles.
Family law cases can be more emotional as clients often go through some of the most trying times in their lives. Emotions are inherent when dealing with personal matters. Jackie is a lawyer who advocates for her clients, ensuring their best interests and needs are met with a steady approach that benefits both them and their families. While delicate matters often require a degree of hand-holding, Jackie helps her clients navigate their emotions and make clear decisions that are not clouded by sentiment or negative reactions to life’s challenges.
Jackie enjoys spending time with her husband and three-year-old son when she's not practicing law. Both Jackie and her husband support the UCLA Core Kidney Program, which raises awareness about kidney disease and organ donations. Jackie has also dedicated extensive pro bono work to this cause.
© 2025 Blank Rome LLP. All rights reserved. Please contact Blank Rome for permission to reprint. Notice: The purpose of this update is to identify select developments that may be of interest to readers. The information contained herein is abridged and summarized from various sources, the accuracy and completeness of which cannot be assured. This update should not be construed as legal advice or opinion, and is not a substitute for the advice of counsel.
